October 28, 2008
After the Birth, what a family needs
“Let me know if I can help you in any way when the baby is born.” … “Just let me know if you need a hand.” … “Anything I can do, just give me a call.”
Most pregnant women get these statements from friends and family but shy away from making requests when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and countertops crowded with dirty dishes. The myth of “I’m fine, I’m doing great, new motherhood is wonderful, I can cope and my husband is the Rock of Gibraltar” is pervasive in postpartum land. If you’re too shy to ask for help and make straight requests of people, I suggest sending the following list out to your friends and family. These are the things I have found to be missing in every house with a new baby. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for the new parents but there seems to be a lot of confusion about what’s wanted and needed…
1. Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole grain bread.
2. Buy us a new garbage can with a swing top lid and 6 pairs of black cotton underpants (women’s size____).
3. Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese, black Kalamata olives, toasted almonds, organic green crispy things and a nice homemade dressing on the side. Drop it off and leave right away. Or, buy us frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a bag of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies to have for dessert. Drop it off and leave right away.
4. Come over about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on the couch, beds or in the room corners. If there’s no laundry to fold yet, do some.
5. Come over at l0 a.m., make me eggs, toast and a 1/2 grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything; just use your best judgment.
6. Put a sign on my door saying “Dear Friends and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right now. Please come back in 7 days but phone first. All donations of casserole dinners would be most welcome. Thank you for caring about this family.”
7. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum and dust my house and then leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to clean, organized space.
8. Take my older kids for a really fun-filled afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and feed them healthy food.
9. Come over and give my husband a two hour break so he can go to a coffee shop, pub, hockey rink or some other r & r that will delight him. Fold more laundry.
10. Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house and reline with fresh bags.
These are the kindnesses that new families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts but the things that really make a difference are the services for the body and soul described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they can do that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to supporting you but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hours, you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the little prayer “I need help.”
First posted online August 2001
Gloria, this is such a practical, beautiful list. I am a doula and I would really love to give this to families that I work with. Do you mind if I print it off and distribute it to the women I work with?
Yes, you can print it off as long as you include the url to my blog. Glad that it will be helpful.
I would love to share this on my blog, as well! I will certainly include credit and links to you. Thank you so much for your always-informative and inspiring posts.
thanks, Leigh. Gloria
I’d like to see this list tacked up on every hydro pole, doctor’s office & fence in the universe. It is true, women esp. are too shy to ask for help or even accept it when it is offered.
I am reminded of my sister when she was in her 20s, with a baby + 4 young children and one day she was beyond exhausted and the dishes were piled up to the ceiling and the house looked like hell. An older neighbour woman happened to came over and when she sized up the situation did a whole bunch of the housework because my sister was at the point where she could barely move!
Why aren’t women with such character & caring running this world, instead of the ones with dyed hair, botox & “important” paying jobs outside the home…
I was fortunate enough to have women in my life who did these things for me. I’ve never forgotten the difference it made for me. I think we pass it on, one woman to another when we’ve received it.
I attended a birth for a doula. She was having a Lotus Birth so the visitors were few in the first five days. On Day 4 when I did the p.p. visit, I stopped by the grocery store and bought an organic chicken and vegetables to roast with it. I put that in her oven on the timer, did my visit and left. She has told me that every birth she has attended since then, she makes the family “the chicken dinner” in their oven for them to munch on in the days after the birth.
This is excellent… I hope to find many ways to share it and practice it.
I can’t tell you HOW important it was to both me and my son that I was able to spend some time at bedtime and wake up with him the first 2 nights after my daughter was born. My dd cooperated by taking a nap just at the right time, but if I ever have another baby I will be adding this to my things to put someone in charge of. I found my son really was pushing AWAY from me during the days– spending tons of time with g-parents (which was wonderful), and then when he needed me he really needed me.
Oh Glo, I love you!
Just wondering if you could help me out with a little info about prenatal vitamins and if or when they are necessary?
Thank you.
I absolutely love this blog!
Carolyn
oh my gosh, carolyn, do you have something to tell me? I’ll email you some info.
We’re going to do this whole postpartum support regimen for Kirsten in January, can’t wait!
[…] after the birth what a family needs: this is for a friend who is looking at becoming a post-partum doula. i think that she would be wonderful at it. […]
Hey Gloria,
This is a great list. I would like to translate it into Hebrew and post it in a forum I take part in. Can I have your permission to do that?
Yes, you can translate it into Hebrew and post but please send me a link because I love to have references to things in other languages. Have you seen this website:
http://www.leida.co.il/page.asp?id=99197
This is such a beautiful post, can I post it on my blog (of course crediting and linking to you)?
This is perfect! Thanks so much for sharing. Would it be alright if I posted a link on my blog too?
Great article! I, too, would love to post it on my blog and credit and link to you. May I please?
Thanks!
this list could not be more perfect. i am having post-birth flashbacks. i hope you don’t mind if I share too.
[…] This list is perfect. Gloria LeMay crafted this little masterpiece of thoughtfulness, and I had to share it here. (Chain of appreciation: found via Cup of Joe who found it on Marvelous Kiddo and posted it on Nesting). P.S. If you decide to take a gift to the baby, don’t forget a little trinket for the brothers or sisters. The Target dollar section is just made for this. […]
[…] After the Birth, What a Family Needs By Alexis The following is a brilliant post written by childbirth activist, Gloria Lemay, of www.glorialemay.com. I loved this article so much, I have reposted it here. If you like what you read, do go visit her site and soak up the wisdom. The link to the original post is here. […]
Such a great list for moms to have and doulas and cbes to share with their clients. I’ll have to share this link on my blog. Thank you!
[…] Check out {Gloria LeMay’s} inspired list at {this} blog post. « Pencil Roll […]
[…] Last, check out these great tips from Gloria Lemay’s wonderful blog about very specific ways you can really help out someone who just had a baby. Funny reading for someone who just had a baby and had to entertain tons of visitors and very useful information for someone who genuinely wants to help out. Previous post: Emergency Childbirth: Why You Need To Know What To DoNext post: Newborn Baby Eye Drops Explained […]
[…] If you can’t figure out how to ask for help in the early weeks with a new baby, photocopy 20 copies of this list and hand out freely. […]
[…] Rest After Birth Posted by Beulah under Uncategorized | Tags: babies, blessings, pregnancy | Leave a Comment I like most of this list on what a family needs after a birth by GloriaLemay. […]
Hi Gloria,
I read this when you posted it to Lactnet, but I forgot to comment.
First, I LOVE your suggestions. Things like toilet paper, laundry and healthy foods and activities are often overlooked. My only difference (and I think it is more me) is that I actually prefer to have people to hang around and talk to, although unannounced visits may not work out. In fact, with our third child (and upcoming 4th) we have opened the invitation to share a meal with the family who brings it (as long as they want to and are in completely good health).
Actually, I often wish people would start bringing meals the week before the due date. That would be really helpful so that I can focus on getting ready for the baby.
I’m printing that list off as we speak!!!
Hi Gloria, As per your request on facebook I will list the extras I like to offer to my mamatotos…..
~water the plants
~help with pets (walk dogs, feed animals, scoop litter boxes, etc)
~bring along with meals high protein snacks (trail mix, nuts, bars) for mom to keep by the bed because when they wake up and baby needs to nurse mom is hungry too!
Thanks for all your amazing work!
Rowan Bailey
Traditional Midwife
Great info! Thank you!