1 nice, well behaved woman
1 impatient obstetrician
½ doula
Minced birth plan
2 tsp prostaglandin gel
2 tbsp pitocin (do not use the authentic oxytocin)
Mix together slowly, monitoring as you go along. Once pain is intolerable, add
1 generous epidural (to freeze the well behaved woman from her breasts to her toes. )
Check with an ice cube for sensation. This epidural will be helpful in the cutting process to follow.
An external fetal monitor and contraction belt will help to move the process along. Once distress is induced in the inner cavity of the well-behaved woman, an amni hook can be used to puncture the protective lining. Some cooks prefer to insert a spiral screw into the scalp of the infant within the cavity to insure a certain outcome.
When it comes time to insert a knife, have all gadgets and implements for removing the infant at hand.
Cover well behaved woman with green cloths and screens exposing only a small strip of belly area.
Watch the finished product carefully for several hours after completion of the cesarean section to make sure that the recipe has performed as promised.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Well put!
This is a reminder not to raise our kids to be TOO well behaved! How about keeping ‘em obedient to internal directives and not just “authority figures”.
Thank you, Gloria. As painful as it is to read THIS and remember my OB’s cesarean recipe, it’s so important to be reminded of the cascade of interventions that will most likely lead to a cesarean.
If I may have your permission, I’d really like to post this on my family blog in April (attributing it to you, of course).
Yes, Shaye, you can re-post this anywhere you like as long as you put the url back to this blog
http://www.glorialemay.com/blog
Thanks.
I followed that recipe… got a not-quite-done 10 lb 5 oz baby out of it… and years and years of mental anguish. Turns out it’s pretty damned indigestible. It gave me heart burn, so to speak– enough that I tossed the entire set of ingredients, started over, and UBAC’d my next one!!
I love it, Gloria!
(((hugs)))
Jer
LOVE this, but, one question:
what is half a doula???
tee hee
It’s a doula who has had her spine removed.